I am feeling a little fish out of water. I am human starving for affection. Yes of course I get the love and hugs of my little one. But I am there for him when he needs me and its to let him know he can count on mommy, mommy is strong. Thing is I am not strong. I sometimes wish for my mommy back. I miss her hugs so much those all knowing hug that mean I love you and you can do it, everything will be okay. I feel alone and I have no one. I wonder how the hell I got so affectionate in the cold emotionless family of mine. Oh yeah the women might cry at the drop of a hat at a soap opera on TV in my family but when it concerns their own you get nothing. They are all wound up in themselves and apparently know all. Their way is the right way and it is the "Word!" Does not car to see or ask anything about me cause apparently again They know me better than myself. HAHAHAHA! Oh if they only KNEW! Sadly they do not know me at all. I just show them what they want to see. I cant truly be me with them they would disbelieve. Im tired so tired. I dont belong and Im starving for affection that is true not just a stiff hug of how do you do. Hold me carress me comfort me let me feel your love and let me know everything is going to be alright.

Okay Im venting now.
I need to get over it but it boggles me so. I when I did something nice, being a good Sumaritan did I end up getting hurt in the process. A ladies car stalled on her and I helped her move her car. No one else would whihc really hurt me in the hopes of humanity. Thing is I have a bad back and arthritis flare ups from time to time. I did not think of this though I helped her! But now I am so much in pain. As long as I dont move much Im fine. and I forget that and I try and move. I gota 3 year son that makes that kind of impossible. On top of that I ordered a new laptop and had issues with my order and I pray I get it in time before the one I have dies on me. and its my time of the month and Im just cranky! Ive said my piece. Thank you

My mind is scattered. Maybe its supposed to be that way so I don't think or remember. To be just like this forever. How can I do what needs to be done when my heart says no not again. Should I choose a job just for the sake of a job and be unhappy an unemployed again a years line down? I don't want to do that again. I am not sure I want to be in the field I am in again and I keep getting offer for jobs my skills are less than steller in. I suck in the financial department They dont honestly want to hire me though I can make them think i am perfect for the job probably. Its not in my heart though so what is?

Okay so I am trying this all blending into socitey thing once again.I am not very good at it. Trying to find new work. after being at a job previously for 1year that I felt I totally sucked at. Now as I am looking I see possible jobs yet I fear no I wont be good at that or no I cant even fathom I could do that kind of job. What has happened to me!! How did i get like this and think so less in myself and in my skills?

I feel I am in a stand still. I dont know to do. Scared in what I should do. That others will approve. Im an not like the others. But no one only a few can see. What is really inside of me. I ca
n't do this alone and I want to be free. to escape and go back to my reality that is me. Not what someone else wants me to be. Im doing my best but apparently it not good enough for some.